Election Campaign Ad #2

Kevin Rudd and Tony Abbott don’t like boats... or basic human rights. They like slogans, and will do whatever it takes to “Stop the Boats.” Kev and Tony are engaging in a game of xenophobic one-upmanship, aimed at stopping asylum seekers reaching our shores. Why? Because fuck refugees, that's why! Rudd is sending them to Papua New Guinea. Abbott wants to tow them back to Indonesia. Who will win? Whose “We grew here, you blew here” policy will reign supreme?

Kevin Rudd and Tony Abbott don’t like boats... or basic human rights. They like slogans, and will do whatever it takes to “Stop the Boats.” Kev and Tony are engaging in a game of xenophobic one-upmanship, aimed at stopping asylum seekers reaching our shores. Why? Because fuck refugees, that's why! Rudd is sending them to Papua New Guinea. Abbott wants to tow them back to Indonesia. Who will win? Whose “We grew here, you blew here” policy will reign supreme?

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An Open Letter to Pastor Matt Prater...

Dear Pastor Matt Prater,

Every Monday night at 9:30pm, I sit down with my girlfriend (with whom I'm living in sin) and watch my favourite TV show, Q&A. I very much enjoy watching the punters, pollies and pundits debate the relevant issues of the week. I also really like the host, Tony Jones. Don't you think there's something mesmerising about a handsome, educated silver fox? I just love how the studio lights playfully dance on Tony's glossy platinum locks. One night, I must've been a little too mesmerised, because I dreamt that TJ was a Calvin Klein underwear model. I know, pretty gay, right?

The other reason I watch Q&A, is to see if I can get one of my infantile tweets on the screen, so I can impress a bunch of people I don't know on Twitter. This is pretty difficult, considering there's an average of 21,000 tweets per episode. However, last night I was successful.

Don't you think I was Lucky to have my tweet pop-up just as the Prime Minister was demonstrating his 'crane' technique. I do. When I saw my masterpiece appear on national television, I was happier than George Michael jumping into a sea of penises.

Unfortunately, my feeling of joy was short-lived. When you stood up to ask Kevin Rudd your marriage equality question, I thought to myself, "Who is this attractive, well-built man with a powerful jawline, yet strikingly effeminate disposition?" Then you asked your question... 

Initially, I was disappointed that some human beings still believe that homosexuals should be banned from holy matrimony, because they're repulsive sinners. Then I realised that you're just following the word of your loving, benevolent, understanding, considerate and kind-hearted God (who thinks gays are an abomination, even though he created them) 

Seeing as though the Bible is the word of God, can I assume that you follow it word for word? Surely you don't ignore the parts about murder, slavery, genocide, rape, human sacrifice and child abuse; only to focus on the 'love thy neighbour' bit, do you? That'd be exactly like someone visiting a cherry orchard and picking the best cherries off the trees, leaving the ugly, diseased ones behind. 

In your question to Prime Minister Rudd, you ask "If you call yourself a Christian, why don't you believe the words of Jesus in the Bible?" With that in mind, I'd like to play a little game called "Yes or No." It's easy, I'll ask you five questions and you just have to answer yes, or no. Got it?

1) Is it a sin to eat delicious crispy bacon?

(Leviticus 11:7-8) And the pig, though it has a divided hoof, does not chew the cud; it is unclean for you. You must not eat their meat or touch their carcasses; they are unclean for you.

2) Is getting a tattoo a sin? (not including white guys with tribal tatts)

(Leviticus 19:28) Ye shall not make any cuts in your body for the dead nor make any tattoo marks on yourselves: I am the LORD.

3) Will you execute your children if they call you a fuckhead?

(Exodus 21:17) And he that curseth his father, or his mother, shall surely be put to death.
  
4) Do you believe that men with mutilated genitals should not enter a house of God?

(Leviticus 19:27) He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD.

5) Is Brokeback Mountain the most FABULOUS movie you've ever seen?

If you answered "No" to ANY of the first four questions, HOW CAN YOU CALL YOURSELF A CHRISTIAN? If you answered "Yes" to question five, would you like to go camping and horse riding with me? If so, I call shotgun on being Heath.

Holy regards,

Rich Wisken

Dear Pastor Matt Prater,

Every Monday night at 9:30pm, I sit down with my girlfriend (with whom I'm living in sin) and watch my favourite TV show, Q&A. I very much enjoy watching the punters, pollies and pundits debate the relevant issues of the week. I also really like the host, Tony Jones. Don't you think there's something mesmerising about a handsome, educated silver fox? I just love how the studio lights playfully dance on Tony's glossy platinum locks. One night, I must've been a little too mesmerised, because I dreamt that TJ was a Calvin Klein underwear model. I know, pretty gay, right?

The other reason I watch Q&A, is to see if I can get one of my infantile tweets on the screen, so I can impress a bunch of people I don't know on Twitter. This is pretty difficult, considering there's an average of 21,000 tweets per episode. However, last night I was successful.

Don't you think I was Lucky to have my tweet pop-up just as the Prime Minister was demonstrating his 'crane' technique. I do. When I saw my masterpiece appear on national television, I was happier than George Michael jumping into a sea of penises.

Unfortunately, my feeling of joy was short-lived. When you stood up to ask Kevin Rudd your marriage equality question, I thought to myself, "Who is this attractive, well-built man with a powerful jawline, yet strikingly effeminate disposition?" Then you asked your question... 

Initially, I was disappointed that some human beings still believe that homosexuals should be banned from holy matrimony, because they're repulsive sinners. Then I realised that you're just following the word of your loving, benevolent, understanding, considerate and kind-hearted God (who thinks gays are an abomination, even though he created them) 

Seeing as though the Bible is the word of God, can I assume that you follow it word for word? Surely you don't ignore the parts about murder, slavery, genocide, rape, human sacrifice and child abuse; only to focus on the 'love thy neighbour' bit, do you? That'd be exactly like someone visiting a cherry orchard and picking the best cherries off the trees, leaving the ugly, diseased ones behind. 

In your question to Prime Minister Rudd, you ask "If you call yourself a Christian, why don't you believe the words of Jesus in the Bible?" With that in mind, I'd like to play a little game called "Yes or No." It's easy, I'll ask you five questions and you just have to answer yes, or no. Got it?

1) Is it a sin to eat delicious crispy bacon?

(Leviticus 11:7-8) And the pig, though it has a divided hoof, does not chew the cud; it is unclean for you. You must not eat their meat or touch their carcasses; they are unclean for you.

2) Is getting a tattoo a sin? (not including white guys with tribal tatts)

(Leviticus 19:28) Ye shall not make any cuts in your body for the dead nor make any tattoo marks on yourselves: I am the LORD.

3) Will you execute your children if they call you a fuckhead?

(Exodus 21:17) And he that curseth his father, or his mother, shall surely be put to death.
  
4) Do you believe that men with mutilated genitals should not enter a house of God?

(Leviticus 19:27) He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD.

5) Is Brokeback Mountain the most FABULOUS movie you've ever seen?

If you answered "No" to ANY of the first four questions, HOW CAN YOU CALL YOURSELF A CHRISTIAN? If you answered "Yes" to question five, would you like to go camping and horse riding with me? If so, I call shotgun on being Heath.

Holy regards,

Rich Wisken

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Inside My Workspace

I recently found out that I'm a finalist in the 2013 Ultrabook Pedestrian Blogster Awards. The Pedestrian team contacted me find out about my workspace...

Hi there,

Congratulations and thank you for being a finalist in the 2013 Ultrabook Pedestrian Blogster Awards! In the lead up to voting closing, we'll be publishing an article on each category and we'd love for you to supply something to include! Your article's topic is: 'Inside My Workspace'. Send us a photograph of your workspace + a little blurb (50-100 words) about it.

Good luck!

Xoxo Team Pedestrian

I recently found out that I'm a finalist in the 2013 Ultrabook Pedestrian Blogster Awards. The Pedestrian team contacted me find out about my workspace...

Hi there,

Congratulations and thank you for being a finalist in the 2013 Ultrabook Pedestrian Blogster Awards! In the lead up to voting closing, we'll be publishing an article on each category and we'd love for you to supply something to include! Your article's topic is: 'Inside My Workspace'. Send us a photograph of your workspace + a little blurb (50-100 words) about it.

Good luck!

Xoxo Team Pedestrian

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KFC Zinger Pie Review: Part II

Hello KFC,

I'm responding to your request for a PM, regarding my immature Zinger Pie-arrhoea comment on your Facebook page. Firstly, I'd like to apologise for being so silly.

My Zinger Pie review may have seemed somewhat harsh, but please don't take it the wrong way. I think you've been doing a stellar job assisting Australia's Type 2 diabetes epidemic. However, smothering shredded factory-farmed chicken in fatty afterbirth, then baking it into an insipid pastry sarcophagus just seems a little careless. Frankly, I think we deserve better. Did you know that Australia is ONLY the fifth fattest nation on Earth? I know, really embarrassing. While I truly appreciate your efforts to get us to the top of the list, I just don't think the Zinger Pie has what it takes to get us there...

Just have a look at it. Personally, I think your food stylist should've gone to Specsavers, unless of course, they were going for the "weeping vagina on a poster in the waiting room of a sexual health clinic" look. Honestly, if someone asked me to draw Paris Hilton's vulva, It'd look eerily similar to this, but with more rust-coloured discharge... and more penises in it.

I'm guessing that the product development team in charge of this monstrosity, consisted of two stoners debating which foodstuff most effectively tames the munchies - pies or KFC. As fast-food pioneers, surely you can come up with better ideas than this. I mean, it's not exactly groundbreaking is it? It's just a pie, that seems to have somehow contracted the Ebola virus. What happened to the innovative concepts, like serving 21 pieces of fried chicken in a bucket, and the Double Down, or as I like the call it, the "FUCK YOU INSULIN!" burger.

Come to think of it, my portrait of Paris' genitals would probably look more like this one. I bet she's had a few "Double Downs", know what I'm saying? Anyway, sorry for jabbering on all this time. What was it that you wanted to chat about?

Cheers,

Rich Wisken.

Hello KFC,

I'm responding to your request for a PM, regarding my immature Zinger Pie-arrhoea comment on your Facebook page. Firstly, I'd like to apologise for being so silly.

My Zinger Pie review may have seemed somewhat harsh, but please don't take it the wrong way. I think you've been doing a stellar job assisting Australia's Type 2 diabetes epidemic. However, smothering shredded factory-farmed chicken in fatty afterbirth, then baking it into an insipid pastry sarcophagus just seems a little careless. Frankly, I think we deserve better. Did you know that Australia is ONLY the fifth fattest nation on Earth? I know, really embarrassing. While I truly appreciate your efforts to get us to the top of the list, I just don't think the Zinger Pie has what it takes to get us there...

Just have a look at it. Personally, I think your food stylist should've gone to Specsavers, unless of course, they were going for the "weeping vagina on a poster in the waiting room of a sexual health clinic" look. Honestly, if someone asked me to draw Paris Hilton's vulva, It'd look eerily similar to this, but with more rust-coloured discharge... and more penises in it.

I'm guessing that the product development team in charge of this monstrosity, consisted of two stoners debating which foodstuff most effectively tames the munchies - pies or KFC. As fast-food pioneers, surely you can come up with better ideas than this. I mean, it's not exactly groundbreaking is it? It's just a pie, that seems to have somehow contracted the Ebola virus. What happened to the innovative concepts, like serving 21 pieces of fried chicken in a bucket, and the Double Down, or as I like the call it, the "FUCK YOU INSULIN!" burger.

Come to think of it, my portrait of Paris' genitals would probably look more like this one. I bet she's had a few "Double Downs", know what I'm saying? Anyway, sorry for jabbering on all this time. What was it that you wanted to chat about?

Cheers,

Rich Wisken.

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KFC Zinger Pie Review: Part I

Dear KFC,

Imagine that I've been stranded on an uninhabited island in the South Pacific for a very long time. Then one day, one of your Zinger pies falls from the sky into my malnourished hands. Do I:

A) Eat it

B) Give it to my best friend, Wilson

C) Stick a coconut up my bum

D) None of the above

If you answered A, you clearly haven't consumed one of your own Zinger pies. If you had, you'd know that it's physically impossible to let that pastry-encased abomination pass your lips a second time, no matter how famished you are. That must mean the answer is B then, right? Wrong. Presenting this inedible atrocity to my best mate, even if he is just a personified volleyball, is a terrible idea. Wilson would probably tell me to go fuck myself, which would cause a friendship-ending argument. So obviously the answer is D, although inserting the seed of the Cocos nucifera palm into my rectum comes a very close second.

The pie's pastry, like Clive Palmer's recent political campaign (and possibly penis) was thick, flaccid and completely unpalatable. However, I was hopeful that the contents of the pie would be, as every idiotic Masterchef contestant would say, "The hero of the dish". Unfortunately the pie's filling was far from heroic. At best, it resembled the scum scraped off a caged-hen farm floor, mixed with a healthy dose of projectile vomit, à la the chick from The Exorcist.

Ironically, today is R U OK? Day. Prior to tasting this nauseating concoction, I was just fine. Now, I'm not so sure. It'll take some time for my tastebuds to forgive me, but at least throwing the rest of the unconsumed pie into Darling Harbour was very therapeutic. In all seriousness though guys, the Colonel must be turning in his grave. Stick to deep-frying factory-farmed chooks, because your Zinger pie is worse than Michael Slater starring in one of your commercials with the Madden twins... and that's fucking terrible. 

Obese regards,

Rich Wisken.

Dear KFC,

Imagine that I've been stranded on an uninhabited island in the South Pacific for a very long time. Then one day, one of your Zinger pies falls from the sky into my malnourished hands. Do I:

A) Eat it

B) Give it to my best friend, Wilson

C) Stick a coconut up my bum

D) None of the above

If you answered A, you clearly haven't consumed one of your own Zinger pies. If you had, you'd know that it's physically impossible to let that pastry-encased abomination pass your lips a second time, no matter how famished you are. That must mean the answer is B then, right? Wrong. Presenting this inedible atrocity to my best mate, even if he is just a personified volleyball, is a terrible idea. Wilson would probably tell me to go fuck myself, which would cause a friendship-ending argument. So obviously the answer is D, although inserting the seed of the Cocos nucifera palm into my rectum comes a very close second.

The pie's pastry, like Clive Palmer's recent political campaign (and possibly penis) was thick, flaccid and completely unpalatable. However, I was hopeful that the contents of the pie would be, as every idiotic Masterchef contestant would say, "The hero of the dish". Unfortunately the pie's filling was far from heroic. At best, it resembled the scum scraped off a caged-hen farm floor, mixed with a healthy dose of projectile vomit, à la the chick from The Exorcist.

Ironically, today is R U OK? Day. Prior to tasting this nauseating concoction, I was just fine. Now, I'm not so sure. It'll take some time for my tastebuds to forgive me, but at least throwing the rest of the unconsumed pie into Darling Harbour was very therapeutic. In all seriousness though guys, the Colonel must be turning in his grave. Stick to deep-frying factory-farmed chooks, because your Zinger pie is worse than Michael Slater starring in one of your commercials with the Madden twins... and that's fucking terrible. 

Obese regards,

Rich Wisken.

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FOR SALE: 2005 Peugeot 206 CC

A friend of mine from high school has asked if I could write an ad to sell her car. Since my Brumby ad, I've had over 400 requests from people asking me to do the same for them. I tell all of these people exactly the same thing, "Fuck off and leave me alone". However, this particular young lady is a great person and a lifelong friend, so it was a no-brainer for me to help her out. I've been given total creative control. Hopefully she isn't disappointed...

FOR SALE
2005 Peugeot 206 CC
(1 Female Owner)

Are you having trouble finding someone to satisfy your depraved sexual desires? Don't worry, so was I. That was until I purchased this 2005 Peugeot 206 CC. I can't be 100% certain, but I'm fairly sure that CC stands for Cock Collector. Why? Because ever since I bought this baby, I’ve been under more sheets than the Ku Klux Klan. In fact, by the end of the first week, I was walking like a newborn giraffe with polio.

Being a French company, Peugeot ensure that filthiness is a stock standard feature in all of their vehicles. If you're the lucky new owner of this cock-rocket, thousands of men with big helmets will try to invade you, and just like the French - you'll surrender. That's right, in no time at all you'll have more humps than Gérard Depardieu's nose. Vive La France!

So why am I selling such a valuable asset? Well, I knew it was time to reassess my priorities after my vajayjay won a Grand Canyon lookalike competition. I’ve decided to start a new life at the Vatican, spending the next few decades under a vow a celibacy. Hopefully after this period of rehabilitation, my lady bits will no longer look like two elephant seals in a passionate embrace.

Not only is this weiner-wagon registered until October 2013, it also holds a valid NSW brothel licence (a government requirement due to the amount of sexy times that's taken place inside her). As the new owner, I'd recommend giving the seats a good high-pressure hosing, as the upholstery currently resembles Jackson Pollock's, Blue Poles. One thing I wouldn't recommend, is shining a UV light over the interior, unless of course you want to recreate a scene from CSI.

Features:

Automatic air con/climate control (coz' it's hotter than a one of Nelly's house parties)

Extra powerful windscreen wipers (for more viscous fluids)

Manual transmission (grip that shaft, girlfriend)

Leather steering wheel (just like my gimp suit)

Dual airbags (yes, the car too)

Price: $9,750

*Free Vengaboys Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom CD single*

If you think you're woman (or gay male) enough to handle this one-eyed monster magnet, email me at cockcollector@hotmail.com. No time-wasters! Only serious phallus fiends need apply.

A friend of mine from high school has asked if I could write an ad to sell her car. Since my Brumby ad, I've had over 400 requests from people asking me to do the same for them. I tell all of these people exactly the same thing, "Fuck off and leave me alone". However, this particular young lady is a great person and a lifelong friend, so it was a no-brainer for me to help her out. I've been given total creative control. Hopefully she isn't disappointed...

FOR SALE
2005 Peugeot 206 CC
(1 Female Owner)

Are you having trouble finding someone to satisfy your depraved sexual desires? Don't worry, so was I. That was until I purchased this 2005 Peugeot 206 CC. I can't be 100% certain, but I'm fairly sure that CC stands for Cock Collector. Why? Because ever since I bought this baby, I’ve been under more sheets than the Ku Klux Klan. In fact, by the end of the first week, I was walking like a newborn giraffe with polio.

Being a French company, Peugeot ensure that filthiness is a stock standard feature in all of their vehicles. If you're the lucky new owner of this cock-rocket, thousands of men with big helmets will try to invade you, and just like the French - you'll surrender. That's right, in no time at all you'll have more humps than Gérard Depardieu's nose. Vive La France!

So why am I selling such a valuable asset? Well, I knew it was time to reassess my priorities after my vajayjay won a Grand Canyon lookalike competition. I’ve decided to start a new life at the Vatican, spending the next few decades under a vow a celibacy. Hopefully after this period of rehabilitation, my lady bits will no longer look like two elephant seals in a passionate embrace.

Not only is this weiner-wagon registered until October 2013, it also holds a valid NSW brothel licence (a government requirement due to the amount of sexy times that's taken place inside her). As the new owner, I'd recommend giving the seats a good high-pressure hosing, as the upholstery currently resembles Jackson Pollock's, Blue Poles. One thing I wouldn't recommend, is shining a UV light over the interior, unless of course you want to recreate a scene from CSI.

Features:

Automatic air con/climate control (coz' it's hotter than a one of Nelly's house parties)

Extra powerful windscreen wipers (for more viscous fluids)

Manual transmission (grip that shaft, girlfriend)

Leather steering wheel (just like my gimp suit)

Dual airbags (yes, the car too)

Price: $9,750

*Free Vengaboys Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom CD single*

 

If you think you're woman (or gay male) enough to handle this one-eyed monster magnet, email me at cockcollector@hotmail.com. No time-wasters! Only serious phallus fiends need apply.

 

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Answering Fan Mail #1

I just discovered a very nice fan letter from an eloquent gentleman named Amirali Shahrestani. He really enjoyed my review of the Persian Room restaurant, so the least I can do is let him know how much I appreciate his beautiful words.

Hello Amirali,

Thank you for the kind words, but I'm actually from a small country called Australia. It's a little bit south-east of New York and slightly south-west of Los Angeles. So just to clarify, I’m an “Australian” dumb ass, not an American one.

Now that we’ve got that sorted, I’d like to respond to some of the more articulately worded parts of your love letter. I must say that it feels great to receive messages from my fans.

You start off by saying, “No offence to Americans because I have respect for every human being, but you can go fuck yourself as an American you dumb ass.” Correct me if I’m wrong, but this sentence seems just a touch disrespectful, particularly to American human beings. Adding “No offence” to the beginning of a statement usually guarantees that the following words are likely to offend. Luckily I’m Australian, or you could have really hurt my feelings.

I appreciate the suggestion that I "Should always make sure to pick the right restaurant." Is there a technique to this? If so, please teach me, as I often leave restaurants somewhat dissatisfied. Once I went to a Thai restaurant called "Thaitanic" and was thoroughly disappointed, as there was virtually no mention of the Titanic, or Leonardo DiCaprio. In fact the only reference to the movie was the Larb chicken salad being served in iceberg lettuce cups - a bit too subtle for my liking.

You also declare, “What's with the racism?! I thought all Americans were against racism.” Indeed they are Amirali. Groups such as the Ku Klux Klan, the Aryan Brotherhood and Mel Gibson have been tirelessly campaigning for racial equality in America for quite some time. Did you know that we used to claim Mel as an Aussie? Right up until he starred in, “What Women Want”. That movie sucked! I reckon if he really knew what women wanted, he wouldn’t have bashed his ex-partner, Oksana Grigorieva.

Anyway Amirali, thanks for the feedback. I was going to offer to take you out for a pizza or a cheeseburger if you ever came to Australia, but because I have, "Such a low mentality", I'd probably just take you to the Persian Room instead.

Allahu Akbar,

Rich Wisken

I just discovered a very nice fan letter from an eloquent gentleman named Amirali Shahrestani. He really enjoyed my review of the Persian Room restaurant, so the least I can do is let him know how much I appreciate his beautiful words.

Hello Amirali,

Thank you for the kind words, but I'm actually from a small country called Australia. It's a little bit south-east of New York and slightly south-west of Los Angeles. So just to clarify, I’m an “Australian” dumb ass, not an American one.

Now that we’ve got that sorted, I’d like to respond to some of the more articulately worded parts of your love letter. I must say that it feels great to receive messages from my fans.

You start off by saying, “No offence to Americans because I have respect for every human being, but you can go fuck yourself as an American you dumb ass.” Correct me if I’m wrong, but this sentence seems just a touch disrespectful, particularly to American human beings. Adding “No offence” to the beginning of a statement usually guarantees that the following words are likely to offend. Luckily I’m Australian, or you could have really hurt my feelings.

I appreciate the suggestion that I "Should always make sure to pick the right restaurant." Is there a technique to this? If so, please teach me, as I often leave restaurants somewhat dissatisfied. Once I went to a Thai restaurant called "Thaitanic" and was thoroughly disappointed, as there was virtually no mention of the Titanic, or Leonardo DiCaprio. In fact the only reference to the movie was the Larb chicken salad being served in iceberg lettuce cups - a bit too subtle for my liking.

You also declare, “What's with the racism?! I thought all Americans were against racism.” Indeed they are Amirali. Groups such as the Ku Klux Klan, the Aryan Brotherhood and Mel Gibson have been tirelessly campaigning for racial equality in America for quite some time. Did you know that we used to claim Mel as an Aussie? Right up until he starred in, “What Women Want”. That movie sucked! I reckon if he really knew what women wanted, he wouldn’t have bashed his ex-partner, Oksana Grigorieva.

Anyway Amirali, thanks for the feedback. I was going to offer to take you out for a pizza or a cheeseburger if you ever came to Australia, but because I have, "Such a low mentality", I'd probably just take you to the Persian Room instead.

Allahu Akbar,

Rich Wisken

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