Answering Fan Mail #1

I just discovered a very nice fan letter from an eloquent gentleman named Amirali Shahrestani. He really enjoyed my review of the Persian Room restaurant, so the least I can do is let him know how much I appreciate his beautiful words.

Hello Amirali,

Thank you for the kind words, but I'm actually from a small country called Australia. It's a little bit south-east of New York and slightly south-west of Los Angeles. So just to clarify, I’m an “Australian” dumb ass, not an American one.

Now that we’ve got that sorted, I’d like to respond to some of the more articulately worded parts of your love letter. I must say that it feels great to receive messages from my fans.

You start off by saying, “No offence to Americans because I have respect for every human being, but you can go fuck yourself as an American you dumb ass.” Correct me if I’m wrong, but this sentence seems just a touch disrespectful, particularly to American human beings. Adding “No offence” to the beginning of a statement usually guarantees that the following words are likely to offend. Luckily I’m Australian, or you could have really hurt my feelings.

I appreciate the suggestion that I "Should always make sure to pick the right restaurant." Is there a technique to this? If so, please teach me, as I often leave restaurants somewhat dissatisfied. Once I went to a Thai restaurant called "Thaitanic" and was thoroughly disappointed, as there was virtually no mention of the Titanic, or Leonardo DiCaprio. In fact the only reference to the movie was the Larb chicken salad being served in iceberg lettuce cups - a bit too subtle for my liking.

You also declare, “What's with the racism?! I thought all Americans were against racism.” Indeed they are Amirali. Groups such as the Ku Klux Klan, the Aryan Brotherhood and Mel Gibson have been tirelessly campaigning for racial equality in America for quite some time. Did you know that we used to claim Mel as an Aussie? Right up until he starred in, “What Women Want”. That movie sucked! I reckon if he really knew what women wanted, he wouldn’t have bashed his ex-partner, Oksana Grigorieva.

Anyway Amirali, thanks for the feedback. I was going to offer to take you out for a pizza or a cheeseburger if you ever came to Australia, but because I have, "Such a low mentality", I'd probably just take you to the Persian Room instead.

Allahu Akbar,

Rich Wisken

I just discovered a very nice fan letter from an eloquent gentleman named Amirali Shahrestani. He really enjoyed my review of the Persian Room restaurant, so the least I can do is let him know how much I appreciate his beautiful words.

Hello Amirali,

Thank you for the kind words, but I'm actually from a small country called Australia. It's a little bit south-east of New York and slightly south-west of Los Angeles. So just to clarify, I’m an “Australian” dumb ass, not an American one.

Now that we’ve got that sorted, I’d like to respond to some of the more articulately worded parts of your love letter. I must say that it feels great to receive messages from my fans.

You start off by saying, “No offence to Americans because I have respect for every human being, but you can go fuck yourself as an American you dumb ass.” Correct me if I’m wrong, but this sentence seems just a touch disrespectful, particularly to American human beings. Adding “No offence” to the beginning of a statement usually guarantees that the following words are likely to offend. Luckily I’m Australian, or you could have really hurt my feelings.

I appreciate the suggestion that I "Should always make sure to pick the right restaurant." Is there a technique to this? If so, please teach me, as I often leave restaurants somewhat dissatisfied. Once I went to a Thai restaurant called "Thaitanic" and was thoroughly disappointed, as there was virtually no mention of the Titanic, or Leonardo DiCaprio. In fact the only reference to the movie was the Larb chicken salad being served in iceberg lettuce cups - a bit too subtle for my liking.

You also declare, “What's with the racism?! I thought all Americans were against racism.” Indeed they are Amirali. Groups such as the Ku Klux Klan, the Aryan Brotherhood and Mel Gibson have been tirelessly campaigning for racial equality in America for quite some time. Did you know that we used to claim Mel as an Aussie? Right up until he starred in, “What Women Want”. That movie sucked! I reckon if he really knew what women wanted, he wouldn’t have bashed his ex-partner, Oksana Grigorieva.

Anyway Amirali, thanks for the feedback. I was going to offer to take you out for a pizza or a cheeseburger if you ever came to Australia, but because I have, "Such a low mentality", I'd probably just take you to the Persian Room instead.

Allahu Akbar,

Rich Wisken