Dear L'Oréal

Cosmetics juggernaut, L'Oréal, recently signed 17-year-old Belgian beauty, Axelle Despiegalaere, after a photo of her at the World Cup went viral. L'Oréal released Axelle just days later, when an image emerged of her holding a gun whilst posing with a dead oryx gazelle. I've taken it upon myself to help Axelle get her job back - because she's super hot, and she might shoot me in the face with a high-powered rifle if I don't.

Dear L'Oréal,

I'm very upset about your decision to cut ties with Axelle just days after signing her. This unfortunate situation has deeply affected me, because I know exactly what it's like to handle a big weapon, and be really, really, ridiculously good-looking.

I believe everyone deserves a second chance, so I'm writing to see if you could please make sure Axelle gets hers. People make mistakes, it happens all the time. To prove my point, I'd like to highlight a few of the 'mistakes' you've made over the years, all of which seem to have been forgiven by your customers.

Okay, let's start from the beginning...

L'Oréal's founder, Eugène Schueller, was an anti-Semitic fascist and well-known Nazi sympathiser, which leads me to my first question - why did you choose 'Because you're worth it' as your slogan, and not 'Heil L'Oréal'? Do you think the Führer would've made a fabulous brand ambassador?

I know what you're thinking, 'that was ages ago, we can't be held accountable for our founder being a complete asshole'. I guess you're right, but would you say the same thing if your company continued to profit from Holocaust victims for over three decades? 

The reason I ask is because a Jewish family insists that their property - which was confiscated by the Nazis during WWII - was home to your German headquarters for over 30 years. Oh I forgot to mention, the original owners died in concentration camps. I know you didn't confiscate the land yourselves, but wouldn't returning it to its rightful owners be the ethical thing to do?

Moving on to 'mistake' number two... 

In 2008, you were accused of 'whitewashing' Beyoncé in one of your cosmetics ads. How were you supposed to know that people would notice the pale skin and strawberry-blonde hair? Is it fair to assume that the makeup artists on White Chicks also used L'Oréal products? 

'Mistake' number three...

In 2009, you were found guilty of racial discrimination, for barring black, Arab and Asian women from selling shampoo produced by Garnier - a company you own. A fax sent by one of your executives declared that Garnier hostesses should be 'BBR' (blue, blanc, rouge) - widely recognised in the French recruitment world as code for French people born to white parents.

Okay, that's enough racism and xenophobia. It's time to move on to the issue that cost Axelle a future with your company. The poached elephant in the room - animal rights.

It seems everyone on social media these days like to criticise those who slaughter defenceless, and often endangered animals for their own twisted amusement.

Seeing as though you fired Axelle for shooting a gazelle, I was under the impression that you must boast a stellar animal rights record. However, after many hours of research typing 'L'Oréal animal rights' into Google, I found out that just isn't the case.

Your website states: 

L’Oréal no longer tests on animals any of its products or any of its ingredients, anywhere in the world. Nor does L’Oréal delegate this task to others. 

Wow, that's really awes... HOLD ON A SECOND! What's this? 

AN EXCEPTION COULD ONLY BE MADE IF REGULATORY AUTHORITIES DEMANDED IT FOR SAFETY OR REGULATORY PURPOSES.

Do you mean like the 'regulatory authorities' in China, where animal testing is mandatory for all new beauty products? Yes China, you know, the world's second largest economy; the place you just invested $843 million to expand your operations? 

Hello, are you there????

I've decided that your little blurb on animal testing is slightly misleading, so I've made some amendments. Feel free to cut & paste it.

The European Union won't let us pour or inject nasty chemicals on or into adorable little bunnies and cute little mice, but in China - where the words 'animal rights' are always followed by a question mark - we most definitely do. Yep, 100% of our products developed in China are tested on animals. Why? Because FUCK THEM IN THEIR STUPID, FURRY LITTLE ASSES, that's why!

Don't get me wrong, I'm not against all scientific animal testing. How could I be? Without it we wouldn't have Mickey or Goofy, and Rafael Nadal would still be an unknown capybara, instead of a 14-time Grand Slam tennis champion.

Don't you think it's just a little bit absurd to maim and kill animals just so you can tell women that having longer, fatter lashes and fuller, redder lips makes them 'worth it'.

Anyway, I sincerely hope you'll consider re-hiring Axelle, because as I said before, we all make mistakes. Some of them - like supporting and collaborating with a regime that murdered six million Jews, discriminating on the basis of one's race, and exterminating helpless animals in the name of beauty - are much worse than others, but the important thing is that we learn from them.

Have you learnt from yours, L'Oréal?

Regards (even though you're not worth it),

Rich Wisken.

P.S. Is it true that Hitler is alive and living in Argentina? If so, can you please ask him who he's going for in the World Cup Final?