A Very Generous Offer Indeed...

On Monday, I received a very charitable email from a woman of God - Sister Mary Barbara Neya. I couldn't believe my luck. Out of all the people in the world, I was chosen to receive a very large sum of money. Please click on the image below to read Sister Mary's altruistic email, then scroll down for my reply...

Good day to you Sister Mary,

Thank you for your kind greetings in good faith. Firstly, please accept my deepest condolences on the passing of your husband. Dying of a ‘heat attack’ sounds awful, but at least it lasted ‘for only 1 day.' Is that the first recorded heat attack fatality in the UK? Australians are told from a very young age that Poms spontaneously combust when temperatures exceed 30°C, but I thought it was an old wives' tale. Being British, I bet you were relieved that Andy Murray didn’t succumb to the same fate as your husband during the Wimbledon final.

Do you like rugby Sister Mary? I do. That's why I went to the third Lions test with my dad and brother last weekend. I enjoyed the game thoroughly, but by the end of it, I was secretly hoping for a mid-winter heat wave.

I'm also looking forward to the Ashes series. If you happen to run into the English team, you should probably warn them about the dangers of heat attacks. Perhaps teach them the Cancer Council's Slip-Slop-Slap message - slip on a shirt, slop on some sunscreen and slap on a hat. Tell captain Alastair Cook to skip the part about slipping on a shirt though, he's so dreamy. I wouldn't mind seeing him slip into something more comfortable, know what I'm saying Sister? Silly me, of course you don't...

I'm sorry Sister Mary, where are my manners? How rude of me to fantasise about exploding Brits, while you mourn the loss of your husband. You can't seem to catch a break at the moment. You mentioned that your doctor said that you ‘can not live for more than one month.’ Why, is there a heat wave forecast? I bet Dr Phil or Dr Oz wouldn't threaten their patients like that. Maybe you should get a second opinion.

Anyway, lets get down to business. Thank you for your generous offer of $1,750,000 USD, but I don't think I’m the right man to help you carry out God’s work. You see, while I respect your belief in Jesus, I myself worship Satan. Here's a list of things I'd buy/do if given such a large amount of cash:

1) Buy an orphanage and sell the children into slavery.
2) Write the Josef Fritzl Guide to Feminism and Family Planning.
3) Build the Adolf Hitler Centre for Tolerance next door to a synagogue.
4) Publish the Newer Testament; featuring a post-last supper homosexual orgy.
5) Sensibly invest the remaining amount into my superannuation fund.

What do you think Sister Mary? I really want the money, but I don't think our moral principles are compatible. I'll send through the details you requested if I'm still deemed to be the appropriate recipient.

One more thing. You're not the Sister Mary from Sister Act I, II and III are you? I love those movies, Whoopi Goldberg was just divine; haha, divine... get it? I crack myself up. Anyway, I look forward to hearing back from you soon. I still can't believe how lucky I am...

Hellish regards,

Rich Wisken

On Monday, I received a very charitable email from a woman of God - Sister Mary Barbara Neya. I couldn't believe my luck. Out of all the people in the world, I was chosen to receive a very large sum of money. Please click on the image below to read Sister Mary's altruistic email, then scroll down for my reply...

Good day to you Sister Mary,

Thank you for your kind greetings in good faith. Firstly, please accept my deepest condolences on the passing of your husband. Dying of a ‘heat attack’ sounds awful, but at least it lasted ‘for only 1 day.' Is that the first recorded heat attack fatality in the UK? Australians are told from a very young age that Poms spontaneously combust when temperatures exceed 30°C, but I thought it was an old wives' tale. Being British, I bet you were relieved that Andy Murray didn’t succumb to the same fate as your husband during the Wimbledon final.

Do you like rugby Sister Mary? I do. That's why I went to the third Lions test with my dad and brother last weekend. I enjoyed the game thoroughly, but by the end of it, I was secretly hoping for a mid-winter heat wave.

I'm also looking forward to the Ashes series. If you happen to run into the English team, you should probably warn them about the dangers of heat attacks. Perhaps teach them the Cancer Council's Slip-Slop-Slap message - slip on a shirt, slop on some sunscreen and slap on a hat. Tell captain Alastair Cook to skip the part about slipping on a shirt though, he's so dreamy. I wouldn't mind seeing him slip into something more comfortable, know what I'm saying Sister? Silly me, of course you don't...

I'm sorry Sister Mary, where are my manners? How rude of me to fantasise about exploding Brits, while you mourn the loss of your husband. You can't seem to catch a break at the moment. You mentioned that your doctor said that you ‘can not live for more than one month.’ Why, is there a heat wave forecast? I bet Dr Phil or Dr Oz wouldn't threaten their patients like that. Maybe you should get a second opinion.

Anyway, lets get down to business. Thank you for your generous offer of $1,750,000 USD, but I don't think I’m the right man to help you carry out God’s work. You see, while I respect your belief in Jesus, I myself worship Satan. Here's a list of things I'd buy/do if given such a large amount of cash:

1) Buy an orphanage and sell the children into slavery.
2) Write the Josef Fritzl Guide to Feminism and Family Planning.
3) Build the Adolf Hitler Centre for Tolerance next door to a synagogue.
4) Publish the Newer Testament; featuring a post-last supper homosexual orgy.
5) Sensibly invest the remaining amount into my superannuation fund.

What do you think Sister Mary? I really want the money, but I don't think our moral principles are compatible. I'll send through the details you requested if I'm still deemed to be the appropriate recipient.

One more thing. You're not the Sister Mary from Sister Act I, II and III are you? I love those movies, Whoopi Goldberg was just divine; haha, divine... get it? I crack myself up. Anyway, I look forward to hearing back from you soon. I still can't believe how lucky I am...

Hellish regards,

Rich Wisken