My Résumé...

Since writing the Brumby ad, I've been offered several copywriting jobs. However, yesterday was the first time a company actually requested my résumé (or curriculum vitae, for those of you who don't understand French, but speak fluent Latin).

I'm certainly interested in pursuing more writing work, so I thought it'd be best if I posted my CV on here.

Prospective employers, please click on the image below to find out more about me.

One strength I forgot to list, is that that I'm not afraid of heights... or bridges.

Since writing the Brumby ad, I've been offered several copywriting jobs. However, yesterday was the first time a company actually requested my résumé (or curriculum vitae, for those of you who don't understand French, but speak fluent Latin).

I'm certainly interested in pursuing more writing work, so I thought it'd be best if I posted my CV on here.

Prospective employers, please click on the image below to find out more about me.

One strength I forgot to list, is that that I'm not afraid of heights... or bridges.

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Dear Colosseum Pizza & Ribs

Dear Colosseum Pizza & Ribs,

Have you heard the expression, everyone deserves a second chance? Well, I don't believe that's necessarily true. For example, here are some people who, in my opinion, are undeserving of a redemptive opportunity.

1) The owner of Colosseum Pizza and Ribs
2) The Colosseum Pizza and Ribs 'chef'
3) The Colosseum Pizza and Ribs employees
4) Anyone associated with Colosseum Pizza and Ribs
5) Adolf Hitler
6) Joseph Stalin
7) Pol Pot
8) Vlad the Impaler
9) That Kony guy
10) Justin Bieber

Have a look at this photo from your website.

Now look at the remains of what I ordered from you the other night.

I'm not a forensic scientist, but I've watched enough CSI to know that there's a strong possibility those bones don't belong to the same creature as the one in your photo.

Don't get me wrong, I'm no stranger to using the magic of photography to make myself look more appealing. For instance, here's my Tinder profile pic.

...and here's my actual photo.

I guess the only difference is that I'm not charging people $39.95 for my goods or services. I'm sure we'd both agree that if I did, I'd be promising one thing, and delivering another. I suppose it's like promising a meaty rack of ribs, then delivering a sinewy mass of cartilage and bone. Just so you know, it was really cold that day.

Do you remember Maximus, the little sweatshop kid I adopted after my last Colosseum experience? Well, you wouldn't recognise him now. It's amazing how much kids grow when you feed them actual food, and not skerricks of flesh from the ribcage of an unidentifiable animal.

His sewing skills are really improving too, so I can hook you up with some seriously cheap custom threads if you're interested. He loves working hard, and sometimes I think he doesn't even want that one hour off a week. I guess like any kid he can be a bit annoying at times. Since his growth spurt, he hasn't stopped bugging me for a new cage... I swear he thinks I'm made of barbed wire.

OMG, I just had the best idea. Why don't I make the best of a bad situation and build his cage out of the ribs you sent me. Genius! With DIY ideas like that, do you think I should audition for The Block?

Anyway, please accept my apology and disregard this complaint letter. $39.95 is an absolute bargain for little Maxi's new enclosure. He's going to love it.

I guess you did deserve a second chance after all.

Sincerely,

Rich Wisken... and Maximus

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Christian Adams - "Psychic Medium and Energy Healer"

Christian Adams is a Psychic Medium and Energy Healer. To win a free twenty minute reading and see a photo of Christian discovering water on Mars, please CLICK HERE. I really hope I win the competition, but before I enter, I'd like to learn a bit more about Christian's skills.

Greetings Christian,

I would really love to win a free twenty minute reading, but first I’d like to get a better understanding of the services you provide. There are a few things in your Facebook bio, which don't really make sense to someone not of the spirit world. If you happen to find some time between chatting with ghosts and reading auras, could you please get back to me with your answers?

What exactly does a Psychic Medium do? Please forgive me, but all of my supernatural knowledge comes from the movie Ghost, starring Patrick Swayze and Ashton Kutcher’s Mum. Unfortunately, the only bit I remember is when Mrs. Kutcher is elbow deep in a slab of clay, whilst listening to Unchained Melody, when a shirtless Swayze comes in and completely fucks everything up, because he’s horny and has zero respect for pottery. As you can see, that particular scene has nothing to do with the spirit world, hence the reason why I’m hoping you're able to educate me.

I’m also curious as to what an “Energy healer” does. Has it got anything to do with comforting people who have unreasonably high electricity bills? If so, I could really use your help, seeing as it’s winter and all. Another impressive accolade that shouldn't go unnoticed, is the fact that you're a 'Reiki master in Usui Reiki, Seichim Reiki and Karuna Reiki'. I think I've heard of those guys, are they the Fijian rugby playing triplets? If so, what sparked your interest in rugby playing brethren from the tropics, and how long did it take to become a master?

Your 'ability to read auras, through psychometry and the use of Titania’s Fortune Cards' sounds pretty cool too, although I’m a bit sceptical of fortunes, ever since the time I was given one in a cookie at a Chinese restaurant. It read, 'You will soon be honoured by someone you respect'. It should've declared, 'The chicken wasn’t cooked properly, enjoy the diarrhoea'. Trust me, you could’ve smelled my aura that day Christian.

I’m not sure if you’re aware, but there are people out there who don’t believe in what you do. For instance, I have a mate named Rich, who thinks psychics are full of shit. He reckons they’re a bunch of fraudulent, thieving con artists, who pray on the weak and vulnerable for their own financial gain. What an idiot! He also thinks that being a psychic today is so much easier, thanks to Google and various social media formats. What would Rich know though? He's such a moron!

If I win the free reading, I’m going to give it to Rich, so you can prove to him that it's not a prerequisite to suffer from mental illness, in order to talk to ghosts. I bet he’ll change his tune as soon as you introduce 'Albert', your spirit doctor. It’s not Fat Albert by any chance is it? I only ask because he’s probably dead by now - seeing as he was a prime candidate for heart disease and type 2 diabetes. He would definitely make an excellent spirit doctor though, mainly because of the positive educational lessons he and Bill Cosby taught the kids every episode.

Well Christian, please don’t hesitate to get in touch. You can either email, or send a spirit to summon me. If you choose the latter, please let me know when I should expect them, because I often watch the Ghostbusters trilogy and I don't want to make a bad first impression.

Transcendent regards,

Rich Wisken

P.S. I forgot to mention that I really like your tattoos bro, are they Fijian?

Christian Adams is a Psychic Medium and Energy Healer. To win a free twenty minute reading and see a photo of Christian discovering water on Mars, please CLICK HERE. I really hope I win the competition, but before I enter, I'd like to learn a bit more about Christian's skills.

Greetings Christian,

I would really love to win a free twenty minute reading, but first I’d like to get a better understanding of the services you provide. There are a few things in your Facebook bio, which don't really make sense to someone not of the spirit world. If you happen to find some time between chatting with ghosts and reading auras, could you please get back to me with your answers?

What exactly does a Psychic Medium do? Please forgive me, but all of my supernatural knowledge comes from the movie Ghost, starring Patrick Swayze and Ashton Kutcher’s Mum. Unfortunately, the only bit I remember is when Mrs. Kutcher is elbow deep in a slab of clay, whilst listening to Unchained Melody, when a shirtless Swayze comes in and completely fucks everything up, because he’s horny and has zero respect for pottery. As you can see, that particular scene has nothing to do with the spirit world, hence the reason why I’m hoping you're able to educate me.

I’m also curious as to what an “Energy healer” does. Has it got anything to do with comforting people who have unreasonably high electricity bills? If so, I could really use your help, seeing as it’s winter and all. Another impressive accolade that shouldn't go unnoticed, is the fact that you're a 'Reiki master in Usui Reiki, Seichim Reiki and Karuna Reiki'. I think I've heard of those guys, are they the Fijian rugby playing triplets? If so, what sparked your interest in rugby playing brethren from the tropics, and how long did it take to become a master?

Your 'ability to read auras, through psychometry and the use of Titania’s Fortune Cards' sounds pretty cool too, although I’m a bit sceptical of fortunes, ever since the time I was given one in a cookie at a Chinese restaurant. It read, 'You will soon be honoured by someone you respect'. It should've declared, 'The chicken wasn’t cooked properly, enjoy the diarrhoea'. Trust me, you could’ve smelled my aura that day Christian.

I’m not sure if you’re aware, but there are people out there who don’t believe in what you do. For instance, I have a mate named Rich, who thinks psychics are full of shit. He reckons they’re a bunch of fraudulent, thieving con artists, who pray on the weak and vulnerable for their own financial gain. What an idiot! He also thinks that being a psychic today is so much easier, thanks to Google and various social media formats. What would Rich know though? He's such a moron!

If I win the free reading, I’m going to give it to Rich, so you can prove to him that it's not a prerequisite to suffer from mental illness, in order to talk to ghosts. I bet he’ll change his tune as soon as you introduce 'Albert', your spirit doctor. It’s not Fat Albert by any chance is it? I only ask because he’s probably dead by now - seeing as he was a prime candidate for heart disease and type 2 diabetes. He would definitely make an excellent spirit doctor though, mainly because of the positive educational lessons he and Bill Cosby taught the kids every episode.

Well Christian, please don’t hesitate to get in touch. You can either email, or send a spirit to summon me. If you choose the latter, please let me know when I should expect them, because I often watch the Ghostbusters trilogy and I don't want to make a bad first impression.

Transcendent regards,

Rich Wisken

P.S. I forgot to mention that I really like your tattoos bro, are they Fijian?

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Dear L'Oréal

Cosmetics juggernaut, L'Oréal, recently signed 17-year-old Belgian beauty, Axelle Despiegalaere, after a photo of her at the World Cup went viral. L'Oréal released Axelle just days later, when an image emerged of her holding a gun whilst posing with a dead oryx gazelle. I've taken it upon myself to help Axelle get her job back - because she's super hot, and she might shoot me in the face with a high-powered rifle if I don't.

Dear L'Oréal,

I'm very upset about your decision to cut ties with Axelle just days after signing her. This unfortunate situation has deeply affected me, because I know exactly what it's like to handle a big weapon, and be really, really, ridiculously good-looking.

I believe everyone deserves a second chance, so I'm writing to see if you could please make sure Axelle gets hers. People make mistakes, it happens all the time. To prove my point, I'd like to highlight a few of the 'mistakes' you've made over the years, all of which seem to have been forgiven by your customers.

Okay, let's start from the beginning...

L'Oréal's founder, Eugène Schueller, was an anti-Semitic fascist and well-known Nazi sympathiser, which leads me to my first question - why did you choose 'Because you're worth it' as your slogan, and not 'Heil L'Oréal'? Do you think the Führer would've made a fabulous brand ambassador?

I know what you're thinking, 'that was ages ago, we can't be held accountable for our founder being a complete asshole'. I guess you're right, but would you say the same thing if your company continued to profit from Holocaust victims for over three decades? 

The reason I ask is because a Jewish family insists that their property - which was confiscated by the Nazis during WWII - was home to your German headquarters for over 30 years. Oh I forgot to mention, the original owners died in concentration camps. I know you didn't confiscate the land yourselves, but wouldn't returning it to its rightful owners be the ethical thing to do?

Moving on to 'mistake' number two... 

In 2008, you were accused of 'whitewashing' Beyoncé in one of your cosmetics ads. How were you supposed to know that people would notice the pale skin and strawberry-blonde hair? Is it fair to assume that the makeup artists on White Chicks also used L'Oréal products? 

'Mistake' number three...

In 2009, you were found guilty of racial discrimination, for barring black, Arab and Asian women from selling shampoo produced by Garnier - a company you own. A fax sent by one of your executives declared that Garnier hostesses should be 'BBR' (blue, blanc, rouge) - widely recognised in the French recruitment world as code for French people born to white parents.

Okay, that's enough racism and xenophobia. It's time to move on to the issue that cost Axelle a future with your company. The poached elephant in the room - animal rights.

It seems everyone on social media these days like to criticise those who slaughter defenceless, and often endangered animals for their own twisted amusement.

Seeing as though you fired Axelle for shooting a gazelle, I was under the impression that you must boast a stellar animal rights record. However, after many hours of research typing 'L'Oréal animal rights' into Google, I found out that just isn't the case.

Your website states: 

L’Oréal no longer tests on animals any of its products or any of its ingredients, anywhere in the world. Nor does L’Oréal delegate this task to others. 

Wow, that's really awes... HOLD ON A SECOND! What's this? 

AN EXCEPTION COULD ONLY BE MADE IF REGULATORY AUTHORITIES DEMANDED IT FOR SAFETY OR REGULATORY PURPOSES.

Do you mean like the 'regulatory authorities' in China, where animal testing is mandatory for all new beauty products? Yes China, you know, the world's second largest economy; the place you just invested $843 million to expand your operations? 

Hello, are you there????

I've decided that your little blurb on animal testing is slightly misleading, so I've made some amendments. Feel free to cut & paste it.

The European Union won't let us pour or inject nasty chemicals on or into adorable little bunnies and cute little mice, but in China - where the words 'animal rights' are always followed by a question mark - we most definitely do. Yep, 100% of our products developed in China are tested on animals. Why? Because FUCK THEM IN THEIR STUPID, FURRY LITTLE ASSES, that's why!

Don't get me wrong, I'm not against all scientific animal testing. How could I be? Without it we wouldn't have Mickey or Goofy, and Rafael Nadal would still be an unknown capybara, instead of a 14-time Grand Slam tennis champion.

Don't you think it's just a little bit absurd to maim and kill animals just so you can tell women that having longer, fatter lashes and fuller, redder lips makes them 'worth it'.

Anyway, I sincerely hope you'll consider re-hiring Axelle, because as I said before, we all make mistakes. Some of them - like supporting and collaborating with a regime that murdered six million Jews, discriminating on the basis of one's race, and exterminating helpless animals in the name of beauty - are much worse than others, but the important thing is that we learn from them.

Have you learnt from yours, L'Oréal?

Regards (even though you're not worth it),

Rich Wisken.

P.S. Is it true that Hitler is alive and living in Argentina? If so, can you please ask him who he's going for in the World Cup Final?

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My Christian Mingle Dating Profile

Dear Christian Mingle,

As a fervent believer in the one true God, I assumed your internet dating site would be the ideal place for me to find my future wife. However, just four days after signing up, I received this email from you.

"Anything that can be considered defamatory, inaccurate, abusive, obscene, profane, offensive, sexually oriented, threatening, harassing, racially offensive, or illegal".

WTF, guys?! You just described the best parts of THE BIBLE!

God LOVES all that stuff, so why on earth would you delete it from my profile? At this stage I have to assume it was all just a big mistake. If that's the case, I forgive you.

Seeing as my original profile is no longer available on your site, I'm going to publish it here so my potential future wife can still view it.

Hi ladies (definitely not men)

My name's Rich, and I’m just a typical old school Christian dude. By old school, I mean Old Testament. Give me the wrath of God over the grace of God any day. Soft New Testament rubbish? Ain't nobody got time for that!

If you enjoy nothing more than kicking back with a copy of the good book and reminding yourself how much of a repulsive, flawed, weak and broken sinner you are, then I'm the guy for you.

Being a decent God-fearing Christian - who lives his life strictly in accordance with the Old Testament - I find it difficult to understand why I’ve had such difficulty finding a wife. I really don’t expect too much from the woman I own; just that she's a virgin, obeys my every command, and realises she's inferior to me in every way.

Anyway, if you'd like to get to know me a bit better, check out my Likes, Dislikes and Hobbies below:

LIKES:

Taylor Swift, Walks on the beach, Romantic comedies, Poetry, Murder, Genocide, Floods, Droughts, Earthquakes, Plagues, Famine, Racism, Filicide, Disease, Ethnic cleansing, Really big wooden boats full of animals, Paedophilia, Homophobia, Misogyny, Torture, Smite, Infanticide, Sadomasochism, Contradictions, Genital mutilation, Capital punishment, Self-flagellation, Polygamy, Fire, Brimstone, Incest, Rape, Slavery

DISLIKES:

Harry Styles, Justin Bieber, Spicy food, Condoms, Science, Gays, Shellfish, Mixing fabrics, Bacon, Tattoos, Trimming my hair/beard, Blasphemy 

HOBBIES:

Golf, Gardening, Bird watching, Tenpin bowling, Pilates, Stoning psychics to death, Murdering those who curseth thy mother and father, Killing those who worship other Gods, Human/animal sacrifice, Executing my neighbours for working on the Sabbath, Murdering homosexuals, disobedient children and babies

So ladies, like what you see? Do you think I could be your special someone? If so, feel free to send me a message, but please, no Beliebers, Directioners, or New Testament time wasters.

...Okay, after reading that again, I'm still struggling to understand why you found it to be unacceptable. Obviously I'm not the only one who feels this way, as I've already received a smile and an email from two eager temptresses. Knowing that real Christian ladies still exist fills me with joy.

Below is a screenshot of my profile after you removed all the good stuff. I'm posting it to educate other confused Minglers, who like me, don't know what they can and can't have in their profiles.

Okay, so just to clarify, you're saying that it's definitely NOT okay to:

• Like really big wooden boats full of animals, or the rest of the fun, violent stuff in the Bible.

...but totally okay to:

• View yourself as a repulsive, flawed, weak and broken sinner.

• Own a woman - as long as she's a virgin who obeys your every command, and realises she's inferior to you in every way.

• Dislike gays (all of them).

Whilst misogyny and homophobia are all well and good, I'd like to remind you that if the word of God isn't followed to the letter, you'll burn in hell for eternity. Please Christian Mingle, no more cherry picking.

Anyway, please ignore me if the editing of my profile was just an error on your part. If it was, I very much look forward to it being restored ASAP. If it was deliberate, I pray that you all die violent deaths for disobeying your creator.

Devout regards,

Rich Wisken

P.S. Why did you also remove my profile photo?

 

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Master of Puppets...

A new Twitter follower of mine, recently heard that I was forced to give up my lifelong dream of becoming Air Guitar World Champion. Such was his concern for my welfare, he sent me a link to a volunteer position he thought I might enjoy.

He was right...

Dear Pastor Coghlan and Caroline Harrington,

As a long time fan of The Muppets and brainwashing children, I think your puppet idea is fantastic. Apart from the Hitler Youth, I truly can’t think of a better way of indoctrinating the young, so kudos to both of you. Perhaps you should share your idea with the Catholic Church. I've heard their priests are always looking for new ways of "spreading the gospel" to children...

Unfortunately, I don’t have any traditional puppetry experience, but I am a huge fan of the Australian stage show, Puppetry of the Penis. Have you heard of it? It involves two guys performing genital origami for a large audience. I know, awesome! Some of my favourites include: the Wristwatch, Atomic Mushroom and the Loch Ness Monster, but my all-time favourite is the Windsurfer.

Hopefully if I practice enough, mine will start to look less like a windsurfer and more like an America's Cup yacht. We can all dream. Hey, if I get the job, maybe we could all go sailing together.

I'm trying to think of more cool puppet-related stuff to talk about, so I can prove how much I want this position. 

Well, I don't really like Metallica's, Master of Puppets, because they probably worship Satan, but I do love NSYNC's, No Strings Attached. What's your favourite NSYNC song? Mine's probably, Bye Bye Bye. If you want, we can play with my collectable NSYNC marionettes. I've got the full set, but don't worry, I can leave Lance Bass at home... because he's gay, and God probably hates him.

Speaking of gay puppets, what are your thoughts on those two godless homosexuals, Bert and Ernie. I've heard people say that they subliminally coax our children into an immoral lifestyle. Do you guys think homosexuality is immoral? Just look at them sitting there in a loving embrace, not bothering anyone with their feelings for each other. Sinners!

Anyway, I'm sure you must be inundated with applications, so I'm going to pray every night that you choose me. I'm just hoping that God doesn't ignore me, like all those people who pray for an end to poverty, famine, war, AIDS... and all that silly stuff.

Oh, gotta go! Sorry guys, but Sesame Street just started and I really feel the need to tickle Elmo.

Bye Bye Bye for now,

Rich Wisken

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Château de Ménai

A friend of mine has asked me to review the wine he made in his dad's garage in Menai, NSW. Apart from watching an instructional Youtube video, he has no winemaking experience whatsoever. My sample arrived in the mail today, so here goes...

Variety: 

- Crimson Seedless (hand-harvested from the discount bin at Menai IGA Supermarket)

Technical Information: 

- Crushed by hand
- Inoculated with baker's yeast
- "Shitloads" of sodium metabisulphite added
- Sugar added
- Lime leaves added (yes, lime leaves)
- No fining or filtration
- Bottled in James Squire stubbies

Tasting Note:

The wine's colour resembles Charlie Sheen's urine on a Monday morning, or perhaps the discharge from a leaky anus on Embarrassing Bodies. Not only is the colour somewhat off-putting, but the haze makes me think that Stifler was the assistant winemaker.

The aroma? A heady mix of sulphur dioxide and the pungent scalp cheese found under Whoopi Goldberg's dreadlocks... probably. It's taken me approximately three hours and five rum and Cokes to summon the courage to taste this formidable fluid. The only way I could be more afraid of a liquid, was if I was diving after Greg Louganis at the 1988 Seoul Olympics.

It tastes very much like a refreshing glass of Ribena, which is great, because the extreme SO₂ level is causing severe respiratory irritation, swelling around my eyes and hive-like rashes to break out on my face. The blackcurrant flavour takes me back to my childhood, which helps ease the thought of my impending death by pulmonary edema.

Thankfully I survived this experience, and as they say, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". I wonder if that saying also applies to my friend, after I bludgeon him to within an inch of his life with an empty James Squire stubbie for making me drink this offensive vin ordinaire. 

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