Answering Fan Mail #1

I just discovered a very nice fan letter from an eloquent gentleman named Amirali Shahrestani. He really enjoyed my review of the Persian Room restaurant, so the least I can do is let him know how much I appreciate his beautiful words.

Hello Amirali,

Thank you for the kind words, but I'm actually from a small country called Australia. It's a little bit south-east of New York and slightly south-west of Los Angeles. So just to clarify, I’m an “Australian” dumb ass, not an American one.

Now that we’ve got that sorted, I’d like to respond to some of the more articulately worded parts of your love letter. I must say that it feels great to receive messages from my fans.

You start off by saying, “No offence to Americans because I have respect for every human being, but you can go fuck yourself as an American you dumb ass.” Correct me if I’m wrong, but this sentence seems just a touch disrespectful, particularly to American human beings. Adding “No offence” to the beginning of a statement usually guarantees that the following words are likely to offend. Luckily I’m Australian, or you could have really hurt my feelings.

I appreciate the suggestion that I "Should always make sure to pick the right restaurant." Is there a technique to this? If so, please teach me, as I often leave restaurants somewhat dissatisfied. Once I went to a Thai restaurant called "Thaitanic" and was thoroughly disappointed, as there was virtually no mention of the Titanic, or Leonardo DiCaprio. In fact the only reference to the movie was the Larb chicken salad being served in iceberg lettuce cups - a bit too subtle for my liking.

You also declare, “What's with the racism?! I thought all Americans were against racism.” Indeed they are Amirali. Groups such as the Ku Klux Klan, the Aryan Brotherhood and Mel Gibson have been tirelessly campaigning for racial equality in America for quite some time. Did you know that we used to claim Mel as an Aussie? Right up until he starred in, “What Women Want”. That movie sucked! I reckon if he really knew what women wanted, he wouldn’t have bashed his ex-partner, Oksana Grigorieva.

Anyway Amirali, thanks for the feedback. I was going to offer to take you out for a pizza or a cheeseburger if you ever came to Australia, but because I have, "Such a low mentality", I'd probably just take you to the Persian Room instead.

Allahu Akbar,

Rich Wisken

I just discovered a very nice fan letter from an eloquent gentleman named Amirali Shahrestani. He really enjoyed my review of the Persian Room restaurant, so the least I can do is let him know how much I appreciate his beautiful words.

Hello Amirali,

Thank you for the kind words, but I'm actually from a small country called Australia. It's a little bit south-east of New York and slightly south-west of Los Angeles. So just to clarify, I’m an “Australian” dumb ass, not an American one.

Now that we’ve got that sorted, I’d like to respond to some of the more articulately worded parts of your love letter. I must say that it feels great to receive messages from my fans.

You start off by saying, “No offence to Americans because I have respect for every human being, but you can go fuck yourself as an American you dumb ass.” Correct me if I’m wrong, but this sentence seems just a touch disrespectful, particularly to American human beings. Adding “No offence” to the beginning of a statement usually guarantees that the following words are likely to offend. Luckily I’m Australian, or you could have really hurt my feelings.

I appreciate the suggestion that I "Should always make sure to pick the right restaurant." Is there a technique to this? If so, please teach me, as I often leave restaurants somewhat dissatisfied. Once I went to a Thai restaurant called "Thaitanic" and was thoroughly disappointed, as there was virtually no mention of the Titanic, or Leonardo DiCaprio. In fact the only reference to the movie was the Larb chicken salad being served in iceberg lettuce cups - a bit too subtle for my liking.

You also declare, “What's with the racism?! I thought all Americans were against racism.” Indeed they are Amirali. Groups such as the Ku Klux Klan, the Aryan Brotherhood and Mel Gibson have been tirelessly campaigning for racial equality in America for quite some time. Did you know that we used to claim Mel as an Aussie? Right up until he starred in, “What Women Want”. That movie sucked! I reckon if he really knew what women wanted, he wouldn’t have bashed his ex-partner, Oksana Grigorieva.

Anyway Amirali, thanks for the feedback. I was going to offer to take you out for a pizza or a cheeseburger if you ever came to Australia, but because I have, "Such a low mentality", I'd probably just take you to the Persian Room instead.

Allahu Akbar,

Rich Wisken

Read More

Inside Out Magazine - Rich Wisken Edition

Hi there,

Congrats on being shortlisted in the Blogster awards in the Lifestyle category. At Inside Out Magazine, we'd like to support this with some online coverage.

If you're happy to take part, could you please email through 3 lines describing your blog, plus 3 images to share with our readers on social media. Our readers have a massive soft spot for interiors, decorating and homewares, so if you have pictures that tick those boxes, that would be great. Please send these details through in an email with "Blogster Awards" in the subject header. 

All the best,

Lee Tran

Hello Lee,

Naturally I'm over the moon to be a finalist in the Blogster Awards. However, I'm not convinced that my blog belongs in the "Lifestyle" category. The word "Lifestyle" reminds me of when my religious education teacher told our class that homosexuality was a sin, and a "Lifestyle" choice. He would say that though, seeing as he worships an invisible, homo-hating sky fairy. Come to think of it, Inside Out would be an excellent name for a gay porn magazine...

Unfortunately I don't know much about interiors, decoration, or homewares. In all honesty, I'd rather teabag an active volcano than watch ONE episode of The Block. That being said, I know what I like. The three images I've chosen really depict my sense of style, I hope they strike a chord with your readership.

Interiors

This is my ensuite bathroom (mid-renovation). I suppose I'm aiming to create a minimal/industrial atmosphere. The fluorescent tube lights and white tiles really open up the room, while the factory fittings and copper pipes add to the overall industrial vibe.

Decoration

I fancy myself as a bit of an amateur cake decorator. As you can see, the icing isn't as smooth as it should be, nor my penmanship as fluid. I hope your readers appreciate my hilarious play on the word happiness. Remember Lee, you can't spell happiness without penis.

Homewares

I picked up this stunning vase in Amsterdam. Have you ever visited the Dutch capital, Lee? The place is full of vase enthusiasts. The man who sold me this one smelled funny and ate lots of cookies. His was the first homewares store I've been to that also sells mushrooms. I know, weird... 

Anyway, I hope your readers can relate to my style, because I'd very much appreciate their vote. Oh yeah, I forgot the three lines describing my blog. I'm guessing you mean lines from songs or movies, right? 

My blog is:

1) "Fun, fun, fun, fun" - Rebecca Black (Friday)

2) "Too sexy for my cat" - Right Said Fred (I'm Too Sexy)

3) "YESSSSSSS, FUCK, OOOOHHHHHHHH AAAAHHHHHHH!" - Debbie Does Dallas

Designer regards,

Rich Wisken.

Hi there,

Congrats on being shortlisted in the Blogster awards in the Lifestyle category. At Inside Out Magazine, we'd like to support this with some online coverage.

If you're happy to take part, could you please email through 3 lines describing your blog, plus 3 images to share with our readers on social media. Our readers have a massive soft spot for interiors, decorating and homewares, so if you have pictures that tick those boxes, that would be great. Please send these details through in an email with "Blogster Awards" in the subject header. 

All the best,

Lee Tran

Hello Lee,

Naturally I'm over the moon to be a finalist in the Blogster Awards. However, I'm not convinced that my blog belongs in the "Lifestyle" category. The word "Lifestyle" reminds me of when my religious education teacher told our class that homosexuality was a sin, and a "Lifestyle" choice. He would say that though, seeing as he worships an invisible, homo-hating sky fairy. Come to think of it, Inside Out would be an excellent name for a gay porn magazine...

Unfortunately I don't know much about interiors, decoration, or homewares. In all honesty, I'd rather teabag an active volcano than watch ONE episode of The Block. That being said, I know what I like. The three images I've chosen really depict my sense of style, I hope they strike a chord with your readership.

Interiors

This is my ensuite bathroom (mid-renovation). I suppose I'm aiming to create a minimal/industrial atmosphere. The fluorescent tube lights and white tiles really open up the room, while the factory fittings and copper pipes add to the overall industrial vibe.

Decoration

I fancy myself as a bit of an amateur cake decorator. As you can see, the icing isn't as smooth as it should be, nor my penmanship as fluid. I hope your readers appreciate my hilarious play on the word happiness. Remember Lee, you can't spell happiness without penis.

Homewares

I picked up this stunning vase in Amsterdam. Have you ever visited the Dutch capital, Lee? The place is full of vase enthusiasts. The man who sold me this one smelled funny and ate lots of cookies. His was the first homewares store I've been to that also sells mushrooms. I know, weird... 

Anyway, I hope your readers can relate to my style, because I'd very much appreciate their vote. Oh yeah, I forgot the three lines describing my blog. I'm guessing you mean lines from songs or movies, right? 

My blog is:

1) "Fun, fun, fun, fun" - Rebecca Black (Friday)

2) "Too sexy for my cat" - Right Said Fred (I'm Too Sexy)

3) "YESSSSSSS, FUCK, OOOOHHHHHHHH AAAAHHHHHHH!" - Debbie Does Dallas

Designer regards,

Rich Wisken.

Read More

Hola Jesus!

Dear Mr Christ Superstar,

I know you're a busy guy and I'm not telling you how to run shit, but how about spending less time helping dickheads cross the Grand Canyon on a tightrope, and a little more time eradicating cancer, poverty and AIDS.

Actually if you don't mind, I have a couple of other queries for you? Were you the only Jewish guy born in the Middle East with a Latino name? It's just that I don't remember hearing about any apostles named Juan, Pablo or José. Also, are you really against gay marriage, or did the church just misinterpret your old man's word? I reckon you'd be cool with it, seeing as though you were fabulously comfortable hanging out with twelve bearded, dress-wearing dudes back in the day.

Anyway J.C, if you wanna get in touch, I generally make toast at around 8am, so that's probably the best time to appear on a slice of my low-gluten quinoa/spelt bread.

Biblical regards,

Rich Wisken

P.S. Thanks for making sure Taylor Lautner won, “Best Shirtless Performance” at the 2013 MTV Movie Awards, for his Oscar worthy performance in Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2. Fuck Magic Mike, Team Jacob all the way!

P.P.S. Where were you during the holocaust?

Dear Mr Christ Superstar,

I know you're a busy guy and I'm not telling you how to run shit, but how about spending less time helping dickheads cross the Grand Canyon on a tightrope, and a little more time eradicating cancer, poverty and AIDS.

Actually if you don't mind, I have a couple of other queries for you? Were you the only Jewish guy born in the Middle East with a Latino name? It's just that I don't remember hearing about any apostles named Juan, Pablo or José. Also, are you really against gay marriage, or did the church just misinterpret your old man's word? I reckon you'd be cool with it, seeing as though you were fabulously comfortable hanging out with twelve bearded, dress-wearing dudes back in the day.

Anyway J.C, if you wanna get in touch, I generally make toast at around 8am, so that's probably the best time to appear on a slice of my low-gluten quinoa/spelt bread.

Biblical regards,

Rich Wisken

P.S. Thanks for making sure Taylor Lautner won, “Best Shirtless Performance” at the 2013 MTV Movie Awards, for his Oscar worthy performance in Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2. Fuck Magic Mike, Team Jacob all the way!

P.P.S. Where were you during the holocaust?

Read More

More Like the Coldest 100...

Dear Triple J,

On the weekend, I listened to the Hottest 100 of the past twenty years and to be honest, I'm far from happy. It raised many more questions than it answered...

Firstly, is "The Doctor" a real doctor? Actually, don't worry about that for now, as there are far more critical issues to address, such as my concern with the computers you used to tally the votes for this so-called Hottest 100.

Like many Australians, I voted for my favourite twenty songs online. I even compiled a list of my 100 most-liked tunes, just so I'd feel a great sense of self-satisfaction every time one of them was played. How wrong was I? Not ONE song in my top 100 made it on "Australia's" list, hence the reason for my letter.

Now I'm not accusing anyone of vote rigging or any other fraudulent behaviour, but do you really expect me to believe that Wonderwall topped the countdown? Are you kidding me? There's only one other wall that's worse - the Berlin Wall. That song goes on longer than the Great Wall of China and makes me want to smash my face against a wall. The only wall I hate more than Wonderwall is Wall-y Lewis - fucking Queenslander. Go the Blues! To be fair to the Lewis family, I do really like Lincoln.

I'm courteously requesting that you please take a look at my Hottest 100 tracks and consider a recount. Surely the Hilltop Hoods' Nosebleed Section in the top five was a mistake. It's Australian hip hop for fuck's sake! Aussie hip hop sounds like the producers of The Shire recorded American hip hop taking a dump. Oh, and who's Jeff Buckley? Is it Nicky Buckley's dad? I bet he was surprised to be at number three, considering nobody's ever even heard of him.

Anyway, take a good long look at my (and probably countless of other people's) Hottest 100 tracks of the last twenty years and tell me I'm wrong...

#100 Savage Garden - I Knew I Loved You
#99  Faith Hill - Breathe
#98  *NSYNC - This I Promise You
#97  Célene Dion - My Heart Will Go On
#98  Backstreet Boys - I Want it That Way
#97  All 4 One - I Swear
#96  Kelly Clarkson - Behind These Hazel Eyes
#95  Spice Girls - Wannabe
#94  The Black Eyed peas - My Humps
#93  Akon - Lonely
#92  John Mayer - Daughters
#91  Christina Aguilera - Beautiful
#90  3 Doors Down - Here Without You
#89  Jewel - You Were Meant for Me
#88  Train - Drops Of Jupiter
#87  LeAnn Rimes - How Do I Live
#86  Train - Hey Soul Sister
#85  Justin Bieber - Baby
#84  The Corrs - Breathless
#83  Sean Kingston - Beautiful Girls
#82  Glee Cast - Don't Stop Believin'
#81  The Black Eyed Peas - I Gotta Feelin'
#80  Cher - Believe
#79  Backstreet Boys - I'll Never Break Your Heart
#78  Christina Aguilera - Dirrrty
#77  DJ Jazzy Jeff & the Fresh Prince - Boom! Shake The Room
#76  Santana (featuring Rob Thomas) - Smooth 
#75  Psy - Gangnam Style
#74  Carly Rae Jepson - Call Me Maybe
#73  Sisqo - Thong Song
#72  Joey Lawrence - Nothin' My Love Can't Fix
#71  Shania Twain - You're Still the One I Want
#70  Right Said Fred - I'm Too Sexy
#69  Los Del Rio - Macarena
#68  Lou Bega - Mambo Number 5
#67  Tag Team - Whoomp (There It Is) 
#66  Mr. President - Cocoa Jambo
#65  Afroman - Because I Got High
#64  Matchbox Twenty - If You're Gone
#63  Nickleback - How You Remind Me
#62  John Mayer - Your Body Is a Wonderland
#61  James Blunt - You're Beautiful
#60  Various Artists - Jersey Shore Soundtrack
#59  Bruno Mars - Just the Way You Are
#58  The Lonely Island - Jizz in My Pants
#57  Daddy Yankee - Gasolina
#56  3 Doors Down - Kryponite
#55  Linkin Park - Numb
#54  Ashlee Simpson - La, La
#53  Katie Perry - I Kissed a Girl
#52  Crazy Town - Butterfly
#51  Kelis - Milkshake
#50  Fergie - Fergalicious
#49  Eifell 65 - Blue (Da Ba Dee)
#48  Ricky Martin - She Bangs
#47  Michael Bublé  - Feeling Good
#46  Niki Minaj - Stupid Hoe
#45  Uncle Kracker - Drift Away
#44  Chris Brown - Forever
#43  Rhianna - Umbrella
#42  Lifehouse - Spin
#41  Kevin Federline - PopoZao
#40  Shaggy - It Wasn't Me
#39  Nick Lechey - What's Left of Me
#38  t.A.T.u - All the Things She Said
#37  Hillary Duff - Come Clean
#36  S Club 7 - Don't Stop Movin'
#35  The Venga Boys -  We Like To Party
#34  Baha Men - Who Let the Dogs Out
#33  Billy Ray Cyrus - Achy Breaky Heart
#32  The Black Eyed Peas - Boom Boom Pow
#31  Will.i.am - This is Love
#30  Westlife - You Raise Me Up
#29  Chumbawamba - Tubthumping
#28  Avril Lavinge - Girlfriend
#27  Souljah Boy - Crank Dat
#26  Fergie - Big Girls Don't Cry
#25  Daughtry - It's Not Over
#24  Justin Timberlake - Summer Love
#23  Pitbull - I know You Want Me
#22  Sugababes - Get Sexy
#21  NKOTB - The Right Stuff
#20  Kelly Rowland - Down For Whatever
#19  LMFAO - Sexy & I Know It
#18  Justin Timberlake - Dick in a Box 
#17  The Rembrandts - I'll Be There For You
#16  Jennifer Lopez - Jenny From the Block
#15  Britney Spears - Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman
#14  Tina Arena - Chains
#13  Avril Lavigne - Skater Boy 
#12  Axel F - The Crazy Frog 
#11  Rebecca Black - Friday
#10  Nickleback - Rockstar
#9   Willow Smith - Whip My Hair
#8   Ke$ha - TiK ToK
#7   Natalie Bassingthwaighte - Don't Give Up
#6   Creed - With Arms Wide Open
#5   Creed - Higher
#4   Hanson - MMMBop
#3   Peter Andre - Mysterious Girl
#2   Aqua - Doctor Jones
#1   Paris Hilton - Stars Are Blind

Look at that top ten! What a thing of beauty... and yes I had to Google how to spell Natalie Bassingthwaighte's name. I reckon her parents were playing Scrabble drunk one night when they came up with that one. As you can see from the rest of my list, I'm not really into hardcore metal, but Creed still managed to sneak two classic tunes in there. I guess it's a testament to how powerful and original Scott Stapp's vocals are. The same can be said about the lead singer of Nickleback - the Paddle Pop lion.

I was dumfounded as to why your Hottest 100 forgot to include the Hanson sisters' groundbreaking track MMMBop. Growing up, Taylor Hanson was my generation's Taylor Swift, only more talented and far more attractive.

Just because Ke$ha looks like a genetic engineer crossed a peacock with a prostitute, it doesn't mean she's not talented. TiK ToK rules! Try and find me a better song about a clock and being a whore all night.

One of the more contentious entries amongst my friends and I, was Aqua's Doctor Jones. My mate Dave was like, "No way man, Barbie Girl is way better." Yeah, whatever Dave, maybe if you're a teenage girl. Boom!

It's worth noting that Rhianna's Umbrella at number #43 marks the first time she's actually beaten Chris Brown, whose song Forever comes in at #44. It's also the first time a father and daughter have been acknowledged in my Hottest 100, so congratulations to Will and Willow Smith.

I guess your Hottest 100 wasn't 100% shit, just 99%. I enjoyed Wheatus' Teenage Dirtbag, which actually just missed out on the 100th spot to Savage Garden's I Knew I Loved You.

Finally, what can be said about Peter Andre that hasn't already been said about Michael Jackson? Nothing, that's what. Then there's Paris Hilton, who's basically just a skinny Adele. I've dreamt for a long time that Andre and Hilton will marry and reproduce. Not only would their offspring take the music industry by storm, but they'd do it with pure class... and washboard abs.

Anyway, please get in touch with me with regards to the vote recount. I'm sure it was just an oversight by one of the chimps working in your computer room. After all, you are a government-funded broadcaster.

Musical regards,

Rich Wisken

Dear Triple J,

On the weekend, I listened to the Hottest 100 of the past twenty years and to be honest, I'm far from happy. It raised many more questions than it answered...

Firstly, is "The Doctor" a real doctor? Actually, don't worry about that for now, as there are far more critical issues to address, such as my concern with the computers you used to tally the votes for this so-called Hottest 100.

Like many Australians, I voted for my favourite twenty songs online. I even compiled a list of my 100 most-liked tunes, just so I'd feel a great sense of self-satisfaction every time one of them was played. How wrong was I? Not ONE song in my top 100 made it on "Australia's" list, hence the reason for my letter.

Now I'm not accusing anyone of vote rigging or any other fraudulent behaviour, but do you really expect me to believe that Wonderwall topped the countdown? Are you kidding me? There's only one other wall that's worse - the Berlin Wall. That song goes on longer than the Great Wall of China and makes me want to smash my face against a wall. The only wall I hate more than Wonderwall is Wall-y Lewis - fucking Queenslander. Go the Blues! To be fair to the Lewis family, I do really like Lincoln.

I'm courteously requesting that you please take a look at my Hottest 100 tracks and consider a recount. Surely the Hilltop Hoods' Nosebleed Section in the top five was a mistake. It's Australian hip hop for fuck's sake! Aussie hip hop sounds like the producers of The Shire recorded American hip hop taking a dump. Oh, and who's Jeff Buckley? Is it Nicky Buckley's dad? I bet he was surprised to be at number three, considering nobody's ever even heard of him.

Anyway, take a good long look at my (and probably countless of other people's) Hottest 100 tracks of the last twenty years and tell me I'm wrong...

#100 Savage Garden - I Knew I Loved You
#99  Faith Hill - Breathe
#98  *NSYNC - This I Promise You
#97  Célene Dion - My Heart Will Go On
#98  Backstreet Boys - I Want it That Way
#97  All 4 One - I Swear
#96  Kelly Clarkson - Behind These Hazel Eyes
#95  Spice Girls - Wannabe
#94  The Black Eyed peas - My Humps
#93  Akon - Lonely
#92  John Mayer - Daughters
#91  Christina Aguilera - Beautiful
#90  3 Doors Down - Here Without You
#89  Jewel - You Were Meant for Me
#88  Train - Drops Of Jupiter
#87  LeAnn Rimes - How Do I Live
#86  Train - Hey Soul Sister
#85  Justin Bieber - Baby
#84  The Corrs - Breathless
#83  Sean Kingston - Beautiful Girls
#82  Glee Cast - Don't Stop Believin'
#81  The Black Eyed Peas - I Gotta Feelin'
#80  Cher - Believe
#79  Backstreet Boys - I'll Never Break Your Heart
#78  Christina Aguilera - Dirrrty
#77  DJ Jazzy Jeff & the Fresh Prince - Boom! Shake The Room
#76  Santana (featuring Rob Thomas) - Smooth 
#75  Psy - Gangnam Style
#74  Carly Rae Jepson - Call Me Maybe
#73  Sisqo - Thong Song
#72  Joey Lawrence - Nothin' My Love Can't Fix
#71  Shania Twain - You're Still the One I Want
#70  Right Said Fred - I'm Too Sexy
#69  Los Del Rio - Macarena
#68  Lou Bega - Mambo Number 5
#67  Tag Team - Whoomp (There It Is) 
#66  Mr. President - Cocoa Jambo
#65  Afroman - Because I Got High
#64  Matchbox Twenty - If You're Gone
#63  Nickleback - How You Remind Me
#62  John Mayer - Your Body Is a Wonderland
#61  James Blunt - You're Beautiful
#60  Various Artists - Jersey Shore Soundtrack
#59  Bruno Mars - Just the Way You Are
#58  The Lonely Island - Jizz in My Pants
#57  Daddy Yankee - Gasolina
#56  3 Doors Down - Kryponite
#55  Linkin Park - Numb
#54  Ashlee Simpson - La, La
#53  Katie Perry - I Kissed a Girl
#52  Crazy Town - Butterfly
#51  Kelis - Milkshake
#50  Fergie - Fergalicious
#49  Eifell 65 - Blue (Da Ba Dee)
#48  Ricky Martin - She Bangs
#47  Michael Bublé  - Feeling Good
#46  Niki Minaj - Stupid Hoe
#45  Uncle Kracker - Drift Away
#44  Chris Brown - Forever
#43  Rhianna - Umbrella
#42  Lifehouse - Spin
#41  Kevin Federline - PopoZao
#40  Shaggy - It Wasn't Me
#39  Nick Lechey - What's Left of Me
#38  t.A.T.u - All the Things She Said
#37  Hillary Duff - Come Clean
#36  S Club 7 - Don't Stop Movin'
#35  The Venga Boys -  We Like To Party
#34  Baha Men - Who Let the Dogs Out
#33  Billy Ray Cyrus - Achy Breaky Heart
#32  The Black Eyed Peas - Boom Boom Pow
#31  Will.i.am - This is Love
#30  Westlife - You Raise Me Up
#29  Chumbawamba - Tubthumping
#28  Avril Lavinge - Girlfriend
#27  Souljah Boy - Crank Dat
#26  Fergie - Big Girls Don't Cry
#25  Daughtry - It's Not Over
#24  Justin Timberlake - Summer Love
#23  Pitbull - I know You Want Me
#22  Sugababes - Get Sexy
#21  NKOTB - The Right Stuff
#20  Kelly Rowland - Down For Whatever
#19  LMFAO - Sexy & I Know It
#18  Justin Timberlake - Dick in a Box 
#17  The Rembrandts - I'll Be There For You
#16  Jennifer Lopez - Jenny From the Block
#15  Britney Spears - Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman
#14  Tina Arena - Chains
#13  Avril Lavigne - Skater Boy 
#12  Axel F - The Crazy Frog 
#11  Rebecca Black - Friday
#10  Nickleback - Rockstar
#9   Willow Smith - Whip My Hair
#8   Ke$ha - TiK ToK
#7   Natalie Bassingthwaighte - Don't Give Up
#6   Creed - With Arms Wide Open
#5   Creed - Higher
#4   Hanson - MMMBop
#3   Peter Andre - Mysterious Girl
#2   Aqua - Doctor Jones
#1   Paris Hilton - Stars Are Blind

Look at that top ten! What a thing of beauty... and yes I had to Google how to spell Natalie Bassingthwaighte's name. I reckon her parents were playing Scrabble drunk one night when they came up with that one. As you can see from the rest of my list, I'm not really into hardcore metal, but Creed still managed to sneak two classic tunes in there. I guess it's a testament to how powerful and original Scott Stapp's vocals are. The same can be said about the lead singer of Nickleback - the Paddle Pop lion.

I was dumfounded as to why your Hottest 100 forgot to include the Hanson sisters' groundbreaking track MMMBop. Growing up, Taylor Hanson was my generation's Taylor Swift, only more talented and far more attractive.

Just because Ke$ha looks like a genetic engineer crossed a peacock with a prostitute, it doesn't mean she's not talented. TiK ToK rules! Try and find me a better song about a clock and being a whore all night.

One of the more contentious entries amongst my friends and I, was Aqua's Doctor Jones. My mate Dave was like, "No way man, Barbie Girl is way better." Yeah, whatever Dave, maybe if you're a teenage girl. Boom!

It's worth noting that Rhianna's Umbrella at number #43 marks the first time she's actually beaten Chris Brown, whose song Forever comes in at #44. It's also the first time a father and daughter have been acknowledged in my Hottest 100, so congratulations to Will and Willow Smith.

I guess your Hottest 100 wasn't 100% shit, just 99%. I enjoyed Wheatus' Teenage Dirtbag, which actually just missed out on the 100th spot to Savage Garden's I Knew I Loved You.

Finally, what can be said about Peter Andre that hasn't already been said about Michael Jackson? Nothing, that's what. Then there's Paris Hilton, who's basically just a skinny Adele. I've dreamt for a long time that Andre and Hilton will marry and reproduce. Not only would their offspring take the music industry by storm, but they'd do it with pure class... and washboard abs.

Anyway, please get in touch with me with regards to the vote recount. I'm sure it was just an oversight by one of the chimps working in your computer room. After all, you are a government-funded broadcaster.

Musical regards,

Rich Wisken

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My Résumé...

Since writing the Brumby ad, I've been offered several copywriting jobs. However, yesterday was the first time a company actually requested my résumé (or curriculum vitae, for those of you who don't understand French, but speak fluent Latin).

I'm certainly interested in pursuing more writing work, so I thought it'd be best if I posted my CV on here.

Prospective employers, please click on the image below to find out more about me.

One strength I forgot to list, is that that I'm not afraid of heights... or bridges.

Since writing the Brumby ad, I've been offered several copywriting jobs. However, yesterday was the first time a company actually requested my résumé (or curriculum vitae, for those of you who don't understand French, but speak fluent Latin).

I'm certainly interested in pursuing more writing work, so I thought it'd be best if I posted my CV on here.

Prospective employers, please click on the image below to find out more about me.

One strength I forgot to list, is that that I'm not afraid of heights... or bridges.

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