The Sydney Monorail - OWN THE FUTURE!

The Sydney Monorail is being decommissioned on 30th June and as part of the festivities, 702 ABC Radio in Sydney asked if I could write a mock classified ad to sell it. How hard could it be? Surely people would be lining up to buy history's most iconic mode of transportation. I also posted the ad on Gumtree, so it'll be interesting to see how long it stays up. The Sydney Monorail - (one owner, 4.5 million km) Mankind’s most...

Read More

I Think Your Unsubscribe Button is Broken...

In the hope of becoming an inner-west hipster douchebag, I purchased a bicycle from Reid Cycles. Since that day, I have received numerous emails offering me products that not even Lance Armstrong needs. I have no problem with companies promoting their business via email, but I do have a problem with receiving further emails after unsubscribing from their mailing list... Two days later, I received another email offering more cycling-related...

Read More

Saint Wisken I?

Dear Vatican, I just heard the heavenly news that Pope John Paul II is likely to be canonised later this year. Apart from the tardiness of your decision, my one other complaint is that you only attribute two miracles to this angelic man. My research has uncovered at least five more, but I'll get to those later. The main reason for my letter is to check whether or not I’m also eligible for sainthood. It’s just that I've compared JP's miracles...

Read More

Hipster House Hunting

One of my Twitter followers, alerted me to this fine dwelling available for rent in Fitzroy, VIC. I've never lived in Victoria, but then again, I've never had the opportunity to become part of such a magnificent "Life-community". Click on the picture for the ad, then read my application below. Greetings and salutations Tohbeye, Katisha and Liam, I am a fellow humyn seeking life-partners of my own (well not of my own, because I...

Read More

A Very Generous Offer Indeed...

On Monday, I received a very charitable email from a woman of God - Sister Mary Barbara Neya. I couldn't believe my luck. Out of all the people in the world, I was chosen to receive a very large sum of money. Please click on the image below to read Sister Mary's altruistic email, then scroll down for my reply... Good day to you Sister Mary, Thank you for your kind greetings in good faith. Firstly, please accept my deepest condolences...

Read More

Dear Kevin Rudd...

Hello Prime Minister, I’m writing in response to the announcement of your Regional Resettlement Agreement (RRA) with Papua New Guinea. To be honest, I'm surprised it took this long for the Cronulla Riots to influence Australia's asylum seeker policy. Kudos to the marketing visionary who named the RRA, it's far more sellable than, Cruel Unlawful Nationalism Treaty (CUNT). Imagine trying to flog that...

Read More

Please Excuse My Parking Fine...

Recently, Leichhardt Council issued me a penalty notice for disobeying a no-stopping sign. I love the municipality of Leichhardt and would never break their rules intentionally. Unfortunately, I was forced to park in a forbidden space, due to a medical emergency. I hope this letter clears up the misunderstanding. Dear Mayor Byrne, Leichhardt Municipal Council, and the State Debt Recovery Office, On 30th July 2013, between 11:48am...

Read More